This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
