I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
