While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
