I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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