I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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