Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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