dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Randomize
