I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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