just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
