The maid of honor just puked.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
