I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
