i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
