my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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