Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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