I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
