oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
