Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
