Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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