I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
