idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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