I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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