It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
