I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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