According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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