It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
