Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
