Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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