My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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