I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
