and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
