eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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