I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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