Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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