Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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