Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
