maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
