How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
