woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
