birth control should be required to get into college
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
