you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
