woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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