I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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