do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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