You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
