I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She even gives head with a lisp.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
