dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
