Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
