sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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