remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
