I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
